birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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