someone owes me an orgasm
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
