The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
