I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
