i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
In America we eat man semen.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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