i just wanna soil my oats bro
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
