Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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