Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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