So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
