I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
if only i could text you this smell
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
