You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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