last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
