so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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