Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
