we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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