my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
