There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
