I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
