anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
