Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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