Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
