Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
