i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
