This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
