I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
