We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
