My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
