note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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