apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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