today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
