Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Randomize
