The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
