I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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