it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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