He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
