I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
