She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
