just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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