My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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