It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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