i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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