Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
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