I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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