he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I think I just shit out all my problems.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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