I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
