apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
