She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
