So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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