dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
