I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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